Lou Holtz: I... hate.. you? Maybe?

Lou Holtz. I'm sure most sporting-lifers know who he is: the old, smug, redheaded, lisping, four-eyed nerd who's always screaming at that black guy(who I'm pretty sure is a Gumbel. In soul. Maybe not in name) whenever he disses Notre Dames. Get it? Notre Dames. You know, because Jimmy Claussen is a woman. Anyways, those within The Circle will know that I have a great disdain for Coach Holtz. I think he is one of the worst, if not the worst, "analysts" that ESPN has. But the winds of change are blowing near me. I can't quite feel that change flowing through my glorious hair just yet, but it's close. Lou Holtz: you have almost changed my mind about you.

Almost.

What has changed, you ask, that I could even think about letting this puppetface enter into my mind's impartiality-zone? Did he suddenly stop loving Notre Dame(two ND references in one post!) less than his children? Of course not. Did he stop screaming at black guy? Hells naw! Did he lose the Barney Frank-voice parody? Unfortunately, no-OK, Lou. Barney Frank has a lisp. We get it. You can stop making fun of him already.

Well since none of those things happened I am forced to admit the reason. I was dutifully listening to Sean Hannity's radio show(2pm-5pm 1450AM KFIZ. Tune in!) earlier in the week and he had mentioned that Lou Holtz would be on his TV show that night. I thought to myself, "Who the hell is Lou Holtz?" at first and then went along my day as normal. Little did I know that it was that Lou Holtz. In fact, when I sat down to watch and saw his face I immediately gasped, "Not that Lou Holtz!"

But oh yes, my friends. It was that Lou Holtz. The only Lou Holtz as it turns out. There he was in his Ivy League suit and combed hair, looking through his Salvatore Ferragamo glasses down his nose at the rest of the panel. And, in familiar Lou Holtz fashion(and at first to my disgust) he again broke out the Barney Frank parody and lisped his way through the entire segment. It was classic Holtz. I couldn't believe Hannity didn't stop cameras and cut to commercials.

What Holtz is doing for comedy is what Christopher Columbus did for explorers. Holtz is truly entering new territory with his brilliant new satire: the parody of Barney Frank. I used to despise you, Lou. But that was before I realized that he is pulling the greatest con in the history of entertainment. Well done, Lou. Well done indeed.

Paul Ryan... TONIGHT!

Seriousness update my friends: Paul Ryan will be on Hannity at 8pm CT tonight on the Fox News channel. LOVE ME SOME PAUL RYAN!

That's all you need to know.

Friday's weekly: Crap Roundup!

-That Austrian wacko Fritzl reveals he's addicted to incest. Curse you one-sided media!


-AWI(Australian Wool Innovation) hates PETA. Threats aren't nice!


-Rickie Weeks made me proud and won the game. Prove the haters wrong my man. He was super pumped after that game-winning hit. The win sets up my Miller Park appearance tomorrow quite nicely. BEN SHEETS ON THE MOUND!!

-I run through my mind the names of Hannity, Rush and Levin again and again. Which is the greatest I wonder? At first I could not stand Levin, but those were dark days. I then switched to Hannity after a time and have been a loyal supporter. In the past few months I have come to love The Great One(Levin) almost most of all.

I have recently found the station that streams the Rush Limbaugh show and my God he is amazing. I would place him in a close second behind Hannity and right next to Levin. They are all so tasty though!

PETA is really cool!

So if you've been following the sports scene over the past weekend you've probably heard about that brittle-ankled horse named Eight Belles.

I read this article yesterday where PETA is demanding that the jockey of Eight Belles be suspended.

PETA faxed a letter Sunday to Kentucky's racing authority claiming the filly was "doubtlessly injured before the finish" and asked that Saez be suspended while Eight Belles' death is investigated.

"What we really want to know, did he feel anything along the way?" PETA spokeswoman Kathy Guillermo said. "If he didn't then we can probably blame the fact that they're allowed to whip the horses mercilessly."

If you didn't puke from reading that paragraph then you're probably a tree hugging loser. I believe there's a Goodfellas quote in here somewhere, but I'm just not thinking of one. Anyways, how could PETA possibly know or have even a clue to the horse's health. If the horse was so horribly injured during the race you'd think it would finish dead last, not SECOND PLACE!!!

After reading those ridiculous quotes from PETA I didn't think my opinion of them could get much worse. Then today I was rollin' in my 2001 Ford Focus ZX3(16" rims) listening to some ESPN radio. Mike Tirico and Scotty Van Pelt had just started talking about this same Eight Belles horse(I listened for a bit because the Sean Hannity show was on commercial). After a few minutes they brought on a representative of PETA to talk about them calling for the jockey's suspension.

The lady came off as a bumbling fool as Tirico drilled her with common sense and logic. It was amazing just how stupid she sounded.

Tirico: So you're calling for his suspension; what has this individual jockey done that all the other jockeys did not do that he deserves a suspension?

PETA Rep: You see Mike, these jockeys abuse these horses like red-headed step children! All of them are horrible people and horses demand liberation!

Tirico: Ok, well horse abuse is a pretty broad subject. I asked you about this one jockey. what has this individual jockey done that all the other jockeys did not do that he deserves a suspension?

PETA Rep: Didn't you hear me?! I said jockeys abuse horses damnit. Get rid of the whip!

Tirico: Super. I will ask you a third time: what has this individual jockey done that all the other jockeys did not do that he deserves a suspension?

PETA Rep: BOO!! HISS!!! *spits fire*


That was paraphrasing of course. She didn't really spit fire, she just vomited nonsense into my eardrums. Thanks PETA!