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2010/09/25

The Great Guide to wining your Suicide Pool



What I do before making my pick. I call it a tease.


Are you sad and frustrated because year after year you get dropped from your workplace pickem's league? Do you foolishly pick the Patriots and the Packers weeks one and two and leave yourself with nothing but the scrapheaps of the NFL at your disposal? Disgraceful, it is. Incurable, it is not. With these painful yet boundlessly insightful tips from yours truly you too can be a Suicide Pool master.

Of course, there are the basic rules: 1) pick one winner every week 2) can't pick the same team twice 3) if your team loses you are OUT

And that's about it, actually. Throw in $20 and you have a nice pot of cash waiting for you, and all you have to do is tame the dogs and outwit your fellow mates at work. Now, it is now week three of the NFL season. Have I made it this far in my own workplace pickem's league, you ask? Yes, I have. I have succeeded where six other co-workers have already failed. They failed because of their incompetence, but also because they just don't know how to pick. There were way too many close games in terms of talent on the team i.e Houston/Indy Atl/Pitt Cle/Tampa, that you are forced to look for the sleeper game. My sleeper game was the Titans at home against the Raiders. I reasoned it out in my beautiful brain and it ended up feeling like the right pick.

Week two I picked the Eagles beacuse I saw firsthand the horrible misdeeds Michael Vick can commit onto a defense. He singlehandedly brought the Eagles back within striking distance against my Packers, and gave me quite a sweat. No, really, I did sweat. Profusely. I have crusty shirts now. So I ended up choosing the Eagles based on Vick's performance against my Packers. That worked out.

In the end, I realize that I have almost no advice to give to prospective readers, and that what I am doing is essentially utilizing a gift that has been given to me from God. I won't say that I speak directly too him when making these picks, but I will say I feel like I am speaking for him. Oh yes, these are the picks Jesus himself would make - were he alive today and hanging out on my couch.


What Jesus would look like today, were he alive and also looking at the Week 3 Schedule


Who do we pick for week three, Jesus? Well that's a good question Jared, because now I'm speaking vicariously through you so as to make the next pick. Ok pal! Cram it - on to the pick. So first we look at the schedule to see if any games stand out. Obviously my Packers stand out on Monday night when Jay Cutler will have both his legs broken, but we don't pick the Pack until desperation time. New England is an easy vic against the Bills, but we are saving them also for later in the season. Strategy, people. Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay stands out to my beautiful brain. Normally they would be off limits until later, but they are still without Ben Rapelisberger and now they don't even have Dennis Dixon. They are starting Charlie Batch. They still have that awesome defense and Palamoulu's hair makes me weep so they are in the running for my pick.



My pick for Week 3: Washington Redskins

I don't need to explain myself. It's a gift.

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