About Us / What's the Point? / Email Us / Twitter / FightingTheFat@gmail.com

2009/05/01

Heed his warning

Swine flu. Minimal outbreak? World pandemic? The beginning of the zombie apocalypse? We can't be sure. We can't be sure, that is, until Joe Biden has his say. Out of concern for everyone in the country and that mass-transit may be in too little debt, Biden says "OH MY GOD DON'T GO ON SUBWAYS OR EVEN GO OUTSIDE".

I'm sure we've all heard that news by now. What do you think Barry and Joe were talking about behind closed doors that made Joe freak? Did Barry say, "Hey. Joe. I want you to start a panic somehow. This swine flu thing'll do just dandy!" And Joe, never missing an opportunity to go on TV replys, "HELLS BELLS, Barry! Time for Scranton's finest to show his quality!"

Something like that. That is an obvious LOTR: Two Towers reference there, by the way.

We can only imagine how it actually went...



*Joe Biden struts into the Oval Office in his normal casual demeanor*
"Barry! I just heard this great joke from Gibbs. What came first - the Muslim or the Jew?"


"..."


"What are you, a sheikh or somethin'? Rimshot, baby! Come on, Barry. Lighten up. It's a beautiful day!"


"Joe.. Do you even watch the news?"


"Well, I.."


"Oh, shut up already. Look, there's this swine flu outbreak happening and..."


"YEAH! I heard about that. Didn't someone die in Mexico after touching you? How awesome is that?! It's like you have super powers that you can choose to use for good or for evil, and even though you're kinda a good person I guess, the guy dies! It's like that time in Scranton where me an.."


"JOSEPH BIDEN! MY SUPERPOWERS ARE NOT FOR GOOD OR EVIL, GOT THAT?"


"Huh?..."


"Damnit Joe, now I've gone and said too much. *sigh* Yes, I have superpowers. So what? It's not like I can shoot bullets out of my fingers or anything."


"Now you wait just a damn minute Mr. President. You mean to tell me you can fly?!"


"... No, Joe. I cannot fly. But I am impervious to all disease. Much like the swine flu, which is what we were talking about. Now, Joe; I'm going to need you to go out and be all 'Biden-y' and stir up a controversy for me. Go on the news and tell everyone how horrible the swine flu is. Don't go on the subway, airplanes.. yada yada yada."


"So... you're telling me you can't fly?..."


"Why did I pick you for VP again?"


"Because I'm the man, Barry! UP TOP!" *goes in for high-five*


"Alright Joe, alright. You can be the man if you do this for me. Now fly! FLY, you fool! To the newsroom!"


"I just have one question for you: Can I say, 'Gird your loins.'?"


"...fine"


"BOO YA!"




I don't have the exact transcripts, but I'm pretty sure it went something like that. A lot of nonsense and a heinous plot that we will never know of.

No comments:

Post a Comment